Healthy relationship how-to

This is something a few friends have commented on, because while like everyone else we are very much imperfect and have things we can work on, Luis and I overall have an incredibly healthy, functional relationship. How do we do it? I’ve made a list of 15 things we do that keep our relationship strong and healthy:

1. Say “I Love You.” Everyone needs to hear it, no matter how secure we are. Those three words are magical. Every single day after work, when we’re in the kitchen together, him making the next day’s lunches and me making that night’s dinner, we stop and hug. Every single day we take that moment to hold one another, make eye contact and say “I love you.”

2. Respect. We truly respect one another, no matter what, above all else. Once, while talking to a friend of mine about a fight she’d had with her (now ex)husband, I told her I would never say something that would hurt Luis in order to “win” an argument because hurting the person you love most in the world isn’t winning at all. She recently told me it was something she always remembered and admires about us as a couple, and in fact has used it as a barometer, knowing that if she was willing to hurt her partner in order to “win” it was time to rethink things.

3. Humor. We laugh at ourselves and the world. A lot. The world is a pretty funny place, and humans are one of the funnier animals. Learn to laugh at yourself, and with your partner.

4. Choose your battles. We do not always agree. But we’re each willing to give in on the little stuff with the understanding that if something is important to one of us we will say so.

5. Let things go. We resolve an issue or agree to disagree, and then TRULY let it go. We never, ever, ever bring up “old stuff” in a current disagreement. Also we strive to never snipe at one another.

6. Start over. Occasionally one of us is tired, had a rough day, or is just plain grumpy and accidentally says something snarky. We made a pact to always try to catch it and stop it before it becomes a fight. In that vein, we have more than once simply stopped mid-sentence and said “hey what are we doing? I don’t want to do this. Can we start over?”

7. Apologize. When you’re wrong – apologize, mean it, and do everything in your power not to repeat the words or actions you had to apologize for. Learn from your mistakes.

8. Say thank you. Whether it’s a small thing like holding a door, or a big thing like taking care of a nasty chore, we always thank one another. It ensures we don’t take each other for granted.

9. Find a shared passion. We made a decision early on that because good food is something we both really enjoy, that our entertainment budget would be for eating out. We don’t eat fast food and we bring breakfast and lunch to work every day. Because the rest of our food budget is fairly low, it enables us to go out for lunch or dinner once a week. Budgeting for it allows us to try new foods and new restaurants, being adventuresome together while still not breaking the bank.

10. Make time for one another. Whether it’s a “date night” or simply turning off the tv in favor of holding hands and talking or cuddling before bed, we ensure we have quality time together. We also gave up cable. The boob tube has a way of really sucking me in, and I felt myself using it to tune out the world. That’s not ok. There is no tv show more important than my partner.

11. Demonstrate your love in the little things. We each show love differently, and from the start we set expectations clearly. I think this was one of the smartest conversations we had. He told me early on that he’s not overtly romantic, and NOT to expect flowers delivered to work or the like. He explained that he would, however, get up earlier than me every morning to clean the house and make breakfast and lunches for us to take to work. And he does. Every day. In return, I make our dinners most days, and I buy him cool new cleaning supplies as “surprise gifts” when I go to the store, because he adores them. Best present ever was when we got him a Dyson. He vacuums every morning, and truly appreciates having a really great vacuum. Yes, I feel very spoiled by this. I like to slip little love notes into his lunch, or get up on a Sunday morning and go get him his favorite Starbucks drink.

12. Money. The biggest source of stress in most relationships. We have a savings plan for which the primary rule is “pay yourself first” – about ten percent of every paycheck comes out right off the top and goes into savings. Bills will always be there. If you don’t pay yourself first, there will always be another bill that will eat up every penny you make. We decide together what we’re saving for, and we actively work toward it. We also maintain a separate savings account that is a little harder to get to. We have to make a conscious decision to take it out and spend it. If things come up unexpectedly, we talk about it. We make a plan as to how we’re going to deal with it. Just talking it through often reduces the fear levels immensely.

13. Balance. Our overall values and morals are compatible, but our personalities are quite different. He’s high-energy; I’m mellower. He’s a bit of an introvert and I’m quite social. I keep him from getting too stressed out, and he keeps me from hiding my head in the sand when I’m overwhelmed. And we each allow the other space to be completely who they are. I understand that as an introvert he needs more solo time than I do. As such, I don’t bug him when he needs time away. By the same token, when I want to go be social, he either comes with me (with the understanding that he may need a little extra solo time later on to recharge) or he completely and without any reservation supports me going out and being social and meeting up with friends while he does his own thing at home. Neither of us pushes the other to be something they are not.

14. Privacy. We don’t tell one another’s secrets without explicit permission. This seems obvious, but I’ve had a friend tell me very personal details about a lover in the name of “girltalk.” Things between the two of us are just that. And by the same token, my partner doesn’t need to know about the personal things my friends tell me, unless they give me permission to share. I’ve seen couples tell one another everything, and watched as it cost them friendships.

15. Teamwork. No matter what may be going on, we always have one another’s backs when it comes to dealing with the rest of the world. Bottom line, we can count on one another, because we’re a team.